The absurdity of last week is finally setting in. I am looking at it from a set of fresh eyes, as I have distancing myself from the situation. I started to observe the situation as an outsider and not a bystander.
If a friend came to me (thanks to my friends that have listened) and told me everything that was going on, I would have told them to get out of the situation. It doesn’t matter how badly it hurts in the beginning, you’re doing it for yourself and that is what matters.
I have been a victim of emotional abuse my entire life. Humiliation, devalued, unloved, etc. It came to a point when I had to ask my mother if she did in fact love me. Before I asked her, I called my dad on my way home from work.
“Dad, does mom love me?” …nervous laughter “of course she loves you”, however there was inflection in his voice that made me question his response. So, I continued to probe. “Then why does she treat me the way she does” … silence… “I do not know Steph, it has always been that way”.
That conversation showed me three things: 1. My father knew what was happening 2. He did nothing to stop it 3. He is a victim of psychological abuse. He is terrified of my mother, and honestly, I cannot blame him.
Now, lets get down to the meat of the situation. I have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and a different way of learning. I need to know the whys behind everything. I want to know why certain things in my house were permitted, and why others were not. I find this type of learning does not work for everyone, because not everyone wants to go into detail about their abuse. Especially not men.
I also know that someone went against my boundaries, and shared information with my family. I do not know who that person is, but they caused much turmoil in the family and went against my boundaries. Unfortunately, I will probably never find out who did this. So, this perpetuates my already present “do not trust anyone” feelings. It means I should go through, and delete a lot of people from my social media. Then again, like my aunt said, once you put it on the internet then it is no longer yours. There is truth in this, however I implicitly stated that my blogs were not to be shared with my family. They were a trigger for them, so they were barred from seeing them.
Yes, I know I know, it’s the internet what did I expect? Respect. I expected human decency, and respect of my boundaries. It was not given.
So, always tread lightly.
As always a huge shout out to my counselor Jenn Bovee at Inspiring Enterprises LLC.
Light up the Darkness,