Alright, so I have talked about it before, and I will continue to talk about it. I have gone complete no contact with my folks. I do not want to hear from them, I kind of do not even want to hear about them. Is this selfish of me? Possibly. Is it a necessity for me at this time? Yes.
After posting about not being diagnosed with a personality disorder at a young age, and reaching out to my bio mom, she flipped out. Accused me of stuff I was not trying to do, insulted me, said she gave up on me a long time ago after a social worker told her to. Side note to that: That social worker (if they existed) needs to be fired, and what parent would do that to their child? My bio mother said I throwing a tantrum and being narcissistic by trying to put the attention back on me.
I mean, I have watched people treat their parents like a piece of gum on the bottom of their shoe but you better believe that if the kid called them up at 3:00 a.m. for a ride they would be right there.
Now that I established no contact, I am being reminded daily of this choice through good intentions I believe. I cannot stress enough: I do not want to have contact with my bio mother and father. If we ever decided to come out of this rule, I would require 6 months of family therapy. The reason behind this? My bio dad has told me a lot of things about my bio mother that need to be addressed. They need to be addressed so that we can have better communication if we choose to go contact again.
I need time to heal, I need time away, I need my family to be filled with love, I need to not walk on eggshells. I need so many things I cannot list them all. There are many complexities when it comes to my psyche, or my very small id. I fear a lot of things, but I do not fear rejection. Is that not weird? Are we not programmed to want to be accepted?
I have been beaten down so badly that I no longer feared rejection. Just for telling the truth. I will not be silent, I will not go quietly, I will be as loud and proud as I can be.
I AM A SURVIVOR, I AM A SAVAGE, I AM A MOTHER, I HAVE SEVERAL TRAUMA BASED MENTAL ILLNESSES, I AM NOT ASHAMED.
That’s a lot of I am, but with the help of a gratitude journal every day, they are not that hard to write.
I will no longer accept abuse as normal, because it is not normal.
Thank you as always to my amazing counselor Jenn Bovee at Inspiring Enterprises LLC.
Light up the Darkness,