My personality is always evolving as my brain evolves. The more you exercise your brain, the more pathways you create to learn differently and think differently. I seem to be dissecting myself, and others, as case studies. I find myself writing in my journal “subject is showing signs of high anxiety, and PTSD flashbacks” while I am actually talking about myself. It is a strange way to journal, but one that helps me detach from myself to better organize my thoughts. If I can view myself in a detached way, I am able to see what triggered a negative response in my psyche, and hippocampus.
This evolvement I contribute to taking higher education courses; it is forcing me to think more critically about a situation, whatever that situation may be. It may not be the same for everyone, but do you not find it easier to help others than to help yourself? It is because you are detached from that person, so you can see the stimuli at a different perspective. This is not a bad thing, and I intend to continue to view items in myself in a detached way.
I wanted to know what my triggers are. I already had a good sense, but journaling throughout the day has help me uncover more. Threats to my children, filled elevators, men, and imposing women. Imposing women in the sense that they think they are the only ones that know the truth, and will force the shit down your throat without looking critically at a situation.
I have decided for my bio dad’s health that I will no longer have contact with my bio parents. I do not want to hurt anyone, and I myself do not want to hurt. Even though my bio mom is trying to control the terms of the “No Contact Rule” I made, I will not be contacting them after the stated date she has set in her own mind (06/17/2017). If they reach out to me for some sort of family counseling, I will go. However, I will go to listen to them first, and then read a letter that tells them goodbye in a loving detachment that I can offer.
I know that these people have attempted to destroy me (my bio mother at least), but they are my parents and I love them. I do not want to watch them suffer because of me, or my writing about trauma. Plus, it will give my mom the opportunity to play the martyr card she loves to play. It safeguards my kids from manipulation of conditional love, it helps to keep them safe from the insecurities that I face daily because I was such a difficult child.
I do not know what others will think about this, maybe they see it as calloused. It is not a calloused move though, it is a detached one. I love them; thus I do not want to hurt them from having me in their life. I am no victim anymore. I will not play the victim card. I will instead turn their hatred into love and pass that down to my own children.
Thank you to my counselor Jenn Bovee at Inspiring Enterprises LLC.
Light up the Darkness,