I want to be like you

Being blamed for everything in life is a difficult life to live. You are constantly trying to be the better person, the most generous, the most…everything. Give it your all. Yet, to what expense do you allow this to happen? Is it something that causes you more grief than relief? I always have this feeling if I do one more good deed maybe the universe will take away my PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Maybe one more good deed and it would free my son from his Autism triggered self-injuring meltdowns. One better thing, and the universe will notice that I am doing all the good things that I can.

PTSD

Yet, that is not how life works is it? The universe may see you, they see you struggling, and there is no answer that falls from the sky into our laps to give us answers. Perhaps I am just in a dark headspace currently, but I want to scream to heavens “Why? What did I ever do to deserve this?”.

Then I remember the parents that are holding their children’s hands during a chemo treatment for cancer. The Make a Wish Foundation that granted a terminally ill child the day to be batman. The efforts of missionaries, regardless of faith, going to Haiti to help birth children. A doctor here in Illinois that travels to third world countries to surgically fix prolapsed rectums and bladders for the young that carry such hard labor their body literally starts to come out through their vagina.

There is good in the world, and I am part of that good. I hope that if you reading this, you are a part of the good as well; perhaps just trying to. Making the baby steps it takes to come out from under the shadows of gloom and depression to see the radiant light of being good without seeking a “thanks” in return. That you just do the best that you can do, no matter how hard life has been on you.

It truly intrigues me, this human condition we are all in. Beautiful people come from broken homes, depression, abuse, addictions, etc. I see them move through their day as if noting could touch them, and then collapse in tears when they get home. They have to put on that face, the face that society needs everyone to have, the one that is smiling and does not have a care in the world.

I see you, I see that chain that is tied to your foot that continuously tries to drag you back down into the abyss of self-loathing, self-hatred, and sometimes self-injury. I can see it. I think that it is true, the old saying: “It takes one to know one,”. That indeed is the case for people that suffer. We may never talk about it, we may not even talk about another person’s conditions, but there is that knowledge that we hold. The knowledge that there are other people like us, struggling to do the best they can in hopes to get a break.

My dear friend, I will not mention her name but she knows who she is, came from a tragic home. She had a child with her high school sweetheart, and not even two years later he had died unexpectedly. I say this because this is the woman that I aspire to be. Life has been cruel to her and her brothers (and parents), yet they still try. They get out of bed every day, they put that smile on, and face the world like the warriors and savages they are.

warrior

My dear one, I want to be like you one day.

Thank you as always to my fabulous counselor at Inspiring Enterprises LLC, Jenn Bovee.

Light up the Darkness,

TheLotus

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