I know, I know; I was going to take a break from writing, yet here I am at 4 a.m. thinking about how good this morning is. I slept with the windows open last night, and woke up to birds chirping outside. The earth is renewing and so am I.
I have discovered over a multitude of days and years what my boundaries are. I naturally have soft boundaries and I have hard boundaries. Example: hard boundary, acceptance that rape culture is okay, fucking with my kids, and abandonment just because.
I am tired of hearing people saying I am sorry for the same behaviors repeatedly. If a person is truly sorry for the way they have made you feel, they will stop the behavior. Example: I have a friend who knows all about my mental afflictions, what sets them off, what I need when I have an “episode”; yet in times of need they are never there.
I do not let a lot of people see me in the state of flashback or anxiety, so if you have seen it consider yourself one that I trust. I hold you up higher than the rest of the people, because I have let you see me at my most vulnerable state.
Flashback and anxiety attacks are not only scary, they are painful. It takes me two days to recuperate from one. The first day of the flashback I can sleep forever, the second day I am sore all over and feel vulnerable. Not vulnerable in just the physical sense, but also mentally. If I reach out to you in these dark times, it means that I trust you implicitly with seeing me in these moments.
My muscles were still strung out from Friday on Sunday, but you know what? I got up and did yoga, I journaled, I meditated, and unbeknownst to me I fell asleep again around 11 a.m. These mental afflictions are real. I live with them on a constant. The trauma is always there, it is if I can catch the trauma in time to stop the behavior of panic attack or a flashback.
My flashbacks are becoming more resentful, and angry. My psychiatrist and counselor believe it is due to the pain of letting go of so many people that are still living. Yet, I look back a year ago. I was good, in fact I was great. Then a trusted friend came to me and tried to convince me that someone on the sex offender list should be allowed into my life.
To say that struck a chord would be the understatement of all understatements. I do not allow people into my life that get their jollies off at the expense of prepubescent children. When the person pushed, they used the words “It was just pictures,” I wanted to puke and shout out in rage. “it was just pictures” that stole that person’s youth, and probably their mentality.
After that “trusted” friend did that to me, I relapsed. At the time, I was on no medications, and was feeling great. But that one button, the button of all buttons, harm to a child, she pushed it had tried to justify it. I have been struggling ever since that happened.
I am determined never to let people like that into my life again, and to whatever expense that comes I am ready.
Thank you as always to Jenn Bovee at Inspiring Enterprises LLC.
Light up the Darkness,