What the heck happened to me the other day? I was off all social media, deleted a group I devoted to my blogging and other trauma survivors, and was not responding to text messages; I created a Will, and I was ready to pass from the pain of this life to the next. I had a plan, and even while telling my husband I had a plan and heard him crying, I did not care. This is not typical of my own behavior. I am loving, understanding, compassionate, and a fighter.
My husband called the crisis team. I explained to them that my doctor had switched meds, and I had gone no contact with all but 2 people in my family. Okay, so huge chemical change in the brain and substantial change in not talking to people that I love. See, with no contact, you know that the other person is living. You wonder about their lives, if they are doing well, if your nieces are progressing in school, if your father’s blood pressure has gone down. You are continuously thinking.
Then you start thinking about why you went no contact. What was the straw that broke the camel’s back sort of speak? They do not discuss the psychological warfare you will have with yourself internally while you go from contact to no contact, and not wanting contact again to help other people to move on.
They tell you about how good you will feel in 4 months’ time without the constant pressure of having to be present with someone that everyone knows is an abuser. They do not tell you that you will replay that abuse in your head repeatedly until you again feel like you are the one that is crazy.
That is the process of circular arguments and thoughts, you cannot stop them.
So, in short, I will be out of work for a week as they take me off Prozac (maybe more) and back onto Celexa which has helped me.
Once the meds can kick back in and I am feeling better, I will be able to deal with the emotional pain that my childhood took on me. The little hidden subconscious stimuli that are hidden away. My boundaries are becoming firmer, and I am becoming stronger by the day.
Thank you for all of your positive juju.
Light up the Darkness,