I think it happens to all of us that have trauma based afflictions. We lose ourselves, only if it is momentary, to the past of what our life looked like a few years ago. I always say a few years, even if it has been two or more decades because life is impermanent. I have spoken about it before, but I have grandparents that remember going to do the jitterbug at the USO during the wars as if it was yesterday.
I am the same way when it comes to my children as well. Even though my oldest is turning 11, and is prepubescent, I remember every moment of labor with him. Same with my youngest that turns 7, I remember being an Amazon and pushing him out myself while reaching down to grab him and place him straight onto my breast to start feeding. Side note, we use to call him “Shark”, because anytime there was nipple present he would turn right to it and chomp down. In fact, at 10 months, that is why I stopped breastfeeding him. He turned to chomp, and went right through my nipple. I know, cognitively, this was years ago. Yet, I remember their birth and special moments as if it was yesterday.
I believe the same goes for anyone with trauma. We do not necessarily remember the trauma detail by detail (p.s. that is your brain protecting you), but we do remember how the trauma was handled afterward. Or in my case how it was not handled.
I started writing these blogs over a year ago (under a different name, I chose to change it as my NM was claiming that I was family bashing). I started off with just what anxiety and PTSD was; then, I broadened it to my life as I saw it. Again, people with trauma based illnesses do not remember everything as our brains will not allow it. I have thought about going into hypnosis to pull those memories out, but have been advised this could be even more detrimental to my psyche; also, with hypnosis, there is always the state of planting false memory. Planting false memory is not the hypnotist’s fault, unless they’re assholes, but a coping tool that us trauma people use.
I feel as though I am coming out of fog after not being on Prozac for three days now. It is an amazing feeling. I no longer want to harm myself, and I am no longer agitated. I still have trauma based afflictions, but that’s okay because I love and accept myself completely. Fuck all my flaws, those flaws have protected me and made me a stronger person.
Your “flaws” can do the same for you, you just should allow it to happen. I know it is difficult. I have been there and done that.
Last year I was hospitalized for “unmanageable anxiety”, it was not an enjoyable time in life. I look back at it though and see all the wonderful things that happened from it. I was introduced to my life coach/counselor (Jenn Bovee), and a fabulous psychiatrist, Virginia Moody, that could listen to me and read into what I was and was not saying to her.
Jenn helped me bring up my empowerment and self-worth, Dr. Virginia Moody could diagnosis me (which essentially is just labeling so I can get the help that I need). The empowerment piece was a huge thing for me. I lacked boundaries, and self-worth after a lifetime of being told I was crazy. Turns out, I am not crazy. I had Developmental Trauma Disorder which then turned into Trauma and Stressor Disorder as I went through maturation.
I find myself at the block two now again. I must start building back up. After the no contact rule with my family, I had to live through everything again. The hatred, the abuse, the emotional torment, and all the emotions that come with that.
I love my family despite everything going on. I have been taught invaluable lessons from them, and each one of them have traits that are admirable. I know I was a difficult child, I rebelled, I pushed people away, I broke the rules, I was self-injuring. I know that this brought great stress to my family. I also know that when I pulled my medical files that the follow through on my discharge paperwork was not done. That is the part I have difficulty accepting. The other thing that I have difficulty accepting, is that when I brought it up to my mother I said, “good news I never had this!”, and I was shot down. “I gave up on you when a social worker told me to” “I love you, but I love myself more” “you can believe me or not but this is what we were told”. Again, I was met with opposition and hatred. I have saved those text messages for the just in case chance I need to be reminded why I will not be speaking to my family again.
Gods know I will miss them. I will miss the way that my nieces look like me at that age, blonde hair blue eyes that are round and almond shaped all at the same time. The thoughts I had of being the “cool” aunt that they could tell anything to, and know they would not face judgement or hate. The aunt that is covered in tattoos, and would go with them to get their first ones. I will miss that. I am in contact now with only two people in my family, and that is okay with me. It is okay with me, because I must be okay.
I remember a phone call I got from baby sister while she was Florida with my parents and her words will always stay with me: “I didn’t believe you about mom, but she is doing it to me,”. I did not place judgement, I did not say ‘told ya so’, I instead offered to get her a hotel room for the night to get her out of the situation. Yet memory is selective, our brain again protects us. It is a fascinating tool.
Use your brain to benefit your life, and those around you. I know that I will not go contact with my family again until we are all in family counseling, which I am unsure if that will ever happen, but I do it out of love. I was told it raises my parent’s blood pressure, and that they too have trauma from what happened to our family. I do not want that for them. So, I will ghost out in a loving detachment way. I will miss them, I miss some of them already. I also know that they are going to be fabulous. That is what brings me peace.
Light up the Darkness,