Some days, it is easy to get up and get going. I mean really get going; you look forward to your coffee, journal, exercise, and the surprises that the day will bring. Other days it is not the same. I found this morning that I did not want to do my yoga this morning; hence, why I am blogging this early in the morning. I do not know what the difference is. I did do meditation, and journaling, but cannot seem to find the energy to do the yoga that I so adore.I always try to introspect myself when these things happen. What is the difference from today from yesterday? I miss work. I know that sounds weird. A lot of people would love a week off work (or in my case up to 6 weeks), but I get bored. I know and can feel the need to be at work. While I know my coworkers are struggling.
I also know that my body and mind are readjusting to the lack of Prozac, and getting back into the cocktail of medication I am on. Oh, the cocktail of medication. Celexa, Mirtazapine, Gabapentin, Xanax, and Busperine. PTSD is a bitch.
I am so hopeful for the future though. I look back and note to myself that I was off all meds a little over a year ago. I was doing great, I mean really great. Then I was triggered. I was vomiting before having to go to anywhere, that is if I could courage to get up and go to whatever destination I was going to.
So, what happened? I was retriggered last year, I have told people about why I was triggered before so I will just do a recap: a friend tried to tell me that child pornography was just pictures and I should allow people like that in my life and the life of my children. At first I was just enraged, then I realized I had to alert one of the leaders of the kink community. The kink community do not allow any sex offenders into the mists of their realm for obvious reasons. I went to go and tell a leader, who is not only an amazing friend but also someone I consider a parental figure. I was doing fine. Then, I had to tell the leader. It threw me right back into the moment when I had to my biological mother about the abuse happening in my family.
BOOM. I could not leave fast enough, my vision went tunnel, I started to shake, I could not control my body (or as my counselor will say “I felt as though I had no control). It sucked. I was placed into the hospital, and was off for two weeks while they got my Gaba system under control. Hence the cocktail of medication.Through medication, meditation, journaling, blogging, and exercise I slowly started to pull myself back up. I kept blaming myself for the other person’s behaviors. Why? Because I am a child of an emotionally abusive household; Thus, I am conditioned to take on other people’s problems as it being my problem because I am crazy.
I let that person go. Buh-bye Felicia!
Now, almost a year to the day I am in the same spot. Hopefully I can get back to work by Thursday. I have been out since Wednesday at 11:45 am. I feel like the clock is ticking. Ticking to what I do not know. I have been trained to wait for the other foot to fall since I was 12. This is the feeling I want erased from my memory. I believe everyday of no contact with my biological family is a time of healing. I seem to only feel pity for my parents, especially for my father. Although he knew about the abuse, and allowed it to continue, he was my daddy.
I wrote that and was reminded of a time when my own father called me a “bitch” to my husband for me not wanting my mother in the hospital as she had again crossed a hard limit. Yeah, I am such a bitch. I stood up for myself, how dare I?
I am still healing, and that is okay. I will be okay. I hope to be going to counseling today. Maybe we can work on some of the issues that I have. If you guys have not gotten the hint, Jenn Bovee is the shit. Seriously, if you are having problems go in and make a consultation to see if you guys mesh well.I am grateful to have a tribal family. My aunt told me “Well Steph, you’ve always been pretty tribal,”. So, this is not something that is new to me.
Well that was a long ramble. I hope you all have an amazing Monday.
As always thank you to Jenn Bovee.
Light up the Darkness,