I am a student of psychology, the study of the human brain and behavior. With each term, each chapter, each quiz, each A, I become more and more confident in my own findings as an individual that has a psychiatric disorder.
I just came back from therapy. I choose cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), as it changes my thoughts, which changes my actions, which changes my emotions, which changes my thoughts then actions then emotions. It is a continuous loop.
I have a full diagnosis of PTSD, I am not sure if it complex PTSD or not but I would not be surprised if it was.
I have had a lot happen to me here as of late. It plays over and over again in my head, that is the obsessive-compulsive pattern that some PTSD people have. I notice the behavior, and then do not change it. Why? I cannot give you a clear answer.
I know that I have been talking a lot about the no contact with my family, it has come to the point where I am even tired of hearing about it in my own head. Here is the OCD part: it plays on a loop. I am going to stop the loop.
How do you stop the loop? You set the intent first, and then think about “what is the worst thing that could happen if this happened?”. In the case with my parents, what is the worst that can happen? They rarely helped when I was in psychiatric need, when I just needed someone to sit next to me and tell me everything was going to be okay. That is all it would have taken for me. ‘Do not fear my love, everything is going to be fine’.
I suppose I was mourning the loss of the parents that I wished I had, the parents that my husband had. My husband’s parents are extremely Catholic, but they are beautifully accepting. While on the birthing table with Liam, Tom (now deceased) sat next to me and massaged my hands until I fell asleep for a while. He did this all while hushing me like I was his own child. To say my mother in law knows everything about our life is understatement. I can tell her anything, and she never passes judgement. She will offer advice when needed or asked for, but if not for anything she is reassuring that we will get over all things in life. I do not know how one woman has so much strength.
What is the worst thing that would happen if my folks ever reached out to me again? We would all go to therapy (dad, mom, hubby, and myself) to work on communication and boundaries, or it would be a farewell, or it would be a limited contact. There is nothing that is truly horrible about these things, but I have been obsessing over them. Worried that my mom was playing the victim as she does so well, and taking it out on my other siblings, spreading rumors, spitting venom.
These behaviors are not new. To that point, I will not speak on it again. I have wasted too much energy on trying to figure out how to fix things as a friend kindly put it. Be as Buddha, and let it go. So, I let it go. I let it go with all the love I have in me. I let it go as I need to priority in my life, and not seek to please others. I need to focus on my own family, school, and work; not the what ifs that are not there. Hell, at the end of the day I could simply realize that this is working out well for my family, I love you, but I love my kids more.
Nothing but love comes from me, and that is how it will stay.
Thank you as always to Jenn Bovee.
Light up the Darkness,