I Will Not Offer an Apology

I am a human. As I am a human I am prone to mistakes, and those mistakes I apologize for if they are certainly my fault and have hurt someone. There are a lot of items I will not apologize for, and neither should you.

I have trauma based mental affliction. This causes me to be hypervigilant most of the time. The good news is that the symptoms can be lessened if I put in the leg work. Literally in some cases. I go to therapy as often as I can, exercise, journal, and reach out to others that have the same diagnosis to know that I am not alone. I will not apologize for this.

trauma

I have a special insight into what others go through while in depression, because I have had depression (diagnosed) for 12 years at this point. It is through this special insight I could help a friend see that his behavior was becoming destructive, and got him into the doctor (I even when with him). Through this he has started to change ever so slowly back into the happy go lucky person I fell in love with so long ago. I will not apologize for this.

depression

I noticed suicidal signs in a friend of mine, it was what she was not saying that I knew. How did I know? Because I have been there. I could get her into the hospital where she needed to be, and they got her onto the correct medication for her condition. I may have even helped her on the path to the practice of meditation. I will not apologize for this.

suicide

I am open about my mental afflictions, my childhood, and my adult life. I have faulty memory due to trauma, but sometimes the pieces come out in dreams (perhaps theses are false memories). I remember parts of my life that I wish I did not. I remember them to the precise time, location, colors, smells, sensations on the skin, the look of the other person. I do not know why I do this, or how it is even possible; but I will not apologize for it.

childhood

I continue to be a strong advocate of the freedom of choice in religious belief, and your own cognitive processing. Our beliefs may not be the same, and that is just fine with me if you do not try and conform me. I am not one that fits into a box, I am too fluid and would leak right out of said box.

freedom

I am an advocate for others that have mental afflictions and will continue to do so. I will give no apology for this either. Being there to help someone go through a demanding time is in the nature of every human; at least as a humanist that is what I believe. You can be a completely flawed individual, and I will love you but that does not mean that I trust you. I may distance myself, or completely cut ties; this does not mean I do not love you, it means that you have become so disruptive in my own life (and my children’s) that you will not be there anymore. I have only done this a few people in my life. None of the times have been easy to do.

love all

I am an advocate for Americans with Disabilities, and that not all disabilities are visible. People looking at me may see plumper woman, smile on her face, possibly laughing to the podcast her headphones are translating into her head. What you do not see is that I am listening to those podcasts to keep my thought processing linear, and away from darkness. You would see my son, and you would see a healthy young man with long hair and a curious smile. What you would not see is the autism that lurks underneath. I will not apologize for this.

ada

Never apologize for being who you are, if you are a good person. If you are filling other people’s lives with joy and love, go you. A lot of people do not do that. Never apologize for a mental disorder you have, it is not a choice you have. There is no on and off switch. When someone tells you to get over it, I must admit I have become snarky and respond: “Gee, why did I not think of that?”. Better way to respond would probably be, you know I’ll let my doctor/psychiatrist/counselor know of your thought and let you know what they think. OR my favorite is to politely smile and walk away. I will not apologize for it.

switch

Be you.

Thank you as always to Jenn Bovee for being my counselor, and for more support you can always join the group Evolving Lotus.

Light up the Darkness,

TheLotus

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