A life without medication. I can get use to that. I am quite confident many people that suffer from mental “illness” look at the medicine they must live on as more of a deterrent than anything else. They are not cheap, and being on cocktails of medication lower my (and maybe other people’s) self-esteem. Some medications people with mental “illness” cannot go without medication. This would include people that have been clinically diagnosed with a serotonin production problem. No matter how much they exercise, think positively, go to counseling, and have a fabulous support system for, their brain does not provide the correct amounts of this chemical. This may also include dopamine.
Around last year, my psychiatrist said that we could go full throttle until my body and mind could calm down from events. That seems to have been the case after I received Bandit, my service animal. I was starting to sleep in, and forget about waking me up. I was advised I get rid of one of the four doses I receive daily, I was still having issues waking up.
Naturally, I contacted my psychiatrist again and told her it was still bad. Dan still had to wake me up every morning to ensure that I was awake and had my morning medicine (two milligrams of extended release Xanax, three-hundred milligrams of gabapentin, and ten milligrams of Busperine).
Under her advice, I discontinued taking the gabapentin at night. I woke up this morning shaking, vomiting, and a bad case of diarrhea. Not sure if that is a “too much information” moment, but I figure we are all friends here. I had no problem getting out of bed, but fell asleep sitting up in my chair journaling. This is odd for me. I was also freezing and sweating at the same time. I do not remember calling the absence hotline, or filling out the form for my family medical leave act to ensure that the absence was protected. Yet, I had done both of those things. Looking at my journal entries from this morning is laughable. I am glad that my stubborn genes did not kick in and force me to put myself on the road. I would not have been placing not only myself in danger, but those around me. If something were to happen, I do not know what I would have done.I am happy in the way that I may not need the antianxiety medications, unless triggered. It is an extremely freeing feeling. It took almost a year after I was triggered to come to a point where I did not need to be drugged continuously to functions. How amazing a feeling. I know I have had a lot of stuff going on. Only the future knows what it has in store for me, but I know that I will handle it.
If there is nothing else that this last few months has taught me it is this: Do not hold on to toxicity. If there is a situation, or a person that is triggering you toss them. I do not know how to place this in better terms.
Although I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, it does not have me. I may flashback, I may have night terrors, I may have moments when I need to leave a situation, and that is okay. It does not mean that I do not like a person, it means that I do not want to flashback or trigger. Big decisions are coming up for me in my life that happen with mental health. As mental health is connected to my physiological health, I choose that. I choose that, because my family needs me here and present.
Thank you as always to Jenn Bovee.
Light up the Darkness,