I knew him once, and it was amazing. I knew him in the most personal of ways, and took note of his growth repeatedly. Yet, there was always something that was off. Possibly because it was lurking right underneath the surface. I did not know what was lurking there, but I could feel it. Not only could I feel it, but my husband and friends (and some of his) told me not to go there. There was something off. Again, I went with my heart and not my head.
He was welcomed into my home and life seven years ago, and it was a wonderful friendship. My husband worked nights, and he kept me company every Monday and Wednesday. Our first time seeing each other outside of work is when he came by to watch Paranormal Witness with me; I was horrified to watch it by myself, but he said he would come over. Naturally, I made sure his girlfriend knew he was coming over. She knows me and knows I pose little threat to her, little did she or I know that I did pose a threat. Without either of us knowing this, he came over and we had a fun time.
One day I was having a particularly distressing day, and it was not Monday or Wednesday. I was by myself, and wishing for some sort of familiar connection to rid myself of demons that only I could feel. I had been texting with my new friend and husband, but my husband needs to work to get paid. About twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door, and there my new friend stood with flowers. It was a wonderful surprise.
He kept asking me why I spent so much time in another town, and saying that I was going to a party every time. I think he thought that I was a partier, which at that point I no longer was. I finally decided if anything was going to scare him, it would be the lifestyle I choose to be in. I told him, hesitantly, that I practiced BDSM and polyamory. He did not blink an eye or judge me, it was simply just a part of who I was and he accepted it. His girlfriend had already known as we had been friends before.
Life passed easily, and one night we decided to have both over for wine and a fire. That is when I noticed the abuse he was going through. He did not recognize it, but I did after having many relationships with abusive people. I remember at one point his girlfriend slamming her glass down and looked at him exasperatedly saying: “Excuse me” to indicate she wanted a refill. My husband and I were flabbergasted by this behavior, and as it turned out she threw up on the way home. It was not a side of this woman I had seen yet, but I started to ask questions. No, he was not happy at all with the relationship and thanked me for confirming his beliefs. They broke up soon afterward, and he asked to start courting me. Of course, that takes a lot of conversation between all parties but we concluded that we would start dating.
All was perfect. He had a surgery, and we came over to help him. I would help him open for his farmer’s market, and numerous other activities. Then he was fired, and a side of him came out that I did not expect. Anger, jealousy, hatred, self-loathing, alcoholism, lying, and even hateful towards me (I am embarrassed to say he called me a whore at one point). It sucked, and it was painful but I persisted wanting the old relationship back. That is not like me.
It finally came to a head about a year ago, he wanted to start settling down and not with us. Okay, ouch. However, I knew if we could still sustain a friendship that all would be well. Today squashed that idea. I am still reeling from the betrayal, and the hurt. Damnit, I have been through more than this though. I do not know why I am getting so hung up on it.
All I can keep repeating to myself is what I said to him the first time he kissed me…” what if I fall in love?”. I did fall, and endured mental abuse for a long time. I will never go down that rabbit hole again.
Thank you as always to Jenn Bovee for always letting me be myself.
Light up the Darkness,