I may be a little pissed off.

It is seriously 3:00 a.m. while I write this. My doctor put me on a medication as a booster called Ambilify; this medicine is like speed to me. Once I am awake, I cannot get back down for a few hours. It is annoying as hell. Especially when you purposefully sleep on the couch because your hip and elbow hurt from what had happened earlier in the day. Even more distressing is that it was by my husband who knows all of this.

steam

This morning, or yesterday morning, I went through my normal routine, nothing different. I got up, journaled, meditated, sat outside to enjoy the partial sunrise, burn incense, and be surrounded by my wild flower garden. The colors that the gardens are producing are so uniquely beautifully, and I do not believe that I would change it to being a regular flower bed. I, myself, am too wild to be contained by the limitations of a physical boundary; why would I expect my gardening to be? Side note, I believe there are tomatoes growing in the back yard and I have no clue where they would have come from.

Back to this morning, man I can get sidetracked in the morning. When I went upstairs to do sun salutations and hop up on my yoga trapeze, the all too familiar taste of metallic entered my mouth. I knew what this meant: I was going to have another episode. In attempts to stop the episode, I laid down on my back and started a five-point grounding technique. I then sat up very slowly, being a yoga instructor, I am always aware of blood pressure attributes, and then got up to my knees. Okay, so far so good. Stood up, metallic taste and that is the last sensation I remember.

unconcious

I woke up to a pain in my hip that was awful, and my elbow was killing me. I threw up, and I cannot seem to track if I threw up before or after my fall out. I am starting to consider that I am having non-epileptic seizures These would include fainting spells or uncontrolled movements, but this would not be uncommon for my condition. Trauma keeps the score in your body, and I have had plenty of trauma. For more reading on psychiatric seizure please see the contributions that Alsaddi and Vinter (2005) have provided me during my research.

pnes

It seems that 33% of people may have Psychogenic non-epileptic seizures (Benadis & Hauser, 2000) that are under extreme duress. Well, guess what I am under most of the time? It is not even something that I can make up; this whole passing out is a new symptom all together.

I up my medication, again, today in one and half hours. Ambilify is the booster that they have placed me on, and I was placed on it after the booster. I am on so much medication, it is hard to remember all their names (but that can also be due to the depression/PTSD with my cognitive functioning). I take 2 mg Xanax Extended release 4 times daily, 1500 mg Gabapentin daily, 10 mg Busperine 3 times daily, 5 mg Ambilify, 30 mg Celexa, 15 mg of Mirtazapine. I had to look that all up to remember. I distain medication, but I remember my life before it and it was not pleasant. Then again life is not pleasant now.

cocktail

I chose to sleep on the couch because I was exhausted and I knew the bed would not help me in this aspect; so, being woken up so early (knowing the consequences of it) is a bit more distressing. Now I will be up until I can force myself to nap around 12:00 p.m. (hopefully).

I called crisis today, they told me to call my pharmacy, the pharmacist told me to get a referral to a neurologist. My doctor could not see me, my psychiatrist was out of town, and my counselor was booked solid (I am so proud of them all for having such good business), and I understand it logically. Illogically I was like…I am dying over here.

helpless

I will be grateful to not be on medication anymore, but after my MRI I am not sure if that is possible. It showed the PTSD, and now it is not just a doctor’s hunch. It is a living breathing brain injury. It is not an opinion, I cannot just get over it, I cannot go in and scoop it out, I sometimes do not feel as though I have control of attacks.

My service dog helps, but it looks like I will be training her to seizure alerts as well. Poor Bandit, she is so loved and happy, but she is always working. She is not just a pet, she is a lifeline.

Bandit

Thank you as always to Jenn Bovee.

Light up the Darkness,

TheLotus

Referenes:

Alsaadi, T. M., & Marquez, A. V. (2005). Psychogenic nonepileptic seizures. American                  Academy of Family Physicians. Retrieved from http://www.aafp.org/afp/2005/0901/p849.html

Bendadis, S.R., & Hauser, A. W. (2000). An estinate of the prevalens of psychogenic non-            epileptic seizures. National Center for Biotechnology Information. DOI:                                    10.1053/seiz.2000.0409

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