I must repent for my transgressions against others, and I am full of the karma that has been inflicted. I am a believer in the three-fold path, and have come to understand it better as I move through this life from childhood to adulthood.
My transgressions are many in numbers, but I regret nothing as it has made me who I am. I am a stronger person for everything that I have done and everything that I will do in the future.
I was not the perfect child. As my Aunt tells me: ‘you’ve always marched the beat of your own drum’; as a Pagan, these words take on different meaning to me. No, I never conformed and was a horrible youth to raise to say the least. Yet, I was a trauma victim and blame cannot be solely placed on myself. That would be horrible to be done to any child, or adult for that matter. To place blame solely on the individual that went through trauma. I saw what happened when a family member prosecuted the individual that assaulted her, and I would not go through the same thing after my own assault. Instead, I found diverse ways to cope than the normal societal view of living. I turned to Heathenism as it made the most sense to me and still does. I disliked my biological mother for the way she treated me, and treated me until I went no contact with her. I disliked my biological father for letting the abuse continue through my early and late years; to be honest, I believe I still do dislike him for letting it happen. His answer when I asked him: ‘I don’t know why she did that to you, but she does love you’. What a crushing sentence to murmur even to an adult when speaking of the person that labored you through into this world without medication.
I am not monogamous. I never have been, and not sure if I ever will be. Monogamy may be the societal normality, but I do not believe it should be the default. I believe that monogamy is a choice, just like being a vegetarian. You may choose to be vegetarian, but that does not mean that the bacon will not smell good.
I have danced naked under the full moon, surrounded by the pounding of drums, and danced in a rhythm that would make anyone dizzy, powerful, and joyful. The beat that filled our hearts and made them beat together. The women dancing on the outside and the men on the inside, the attraction of feminine and masculine intertwining into a beautiful sort of energy orgy. Later there was an orgy, but I regret to say I was not there to witness it.
I fell in love with a man when he was still with his other partner, and allowed the relationship which was of great disrespect for the person and myself. I reveled in the attention, and was blinded with joy to have the attention of another male in my life. I remember whispering ‘I love you’ in between the thrusts of lust and pleasure, running my hands through his hair, over his shoulders, and through his chest hair. I later found out that I had been violated through my consensual bonds. I do not sleep with people I am not in love with, and this person knew it; yet, they continued to sleep with me even after they fell out of love. The betrayal is branded onto my heart, and will take some mending to heal.
I have slept with women, and I consider myself to be sexually fluid. I have soaked in the love that only a woman can provide, and loved every moment of it. The relationships are intense and loving, but too much feminine energy throws my balance off. I regret to say that I had to let the woman I loved dearly go to a person that could make her happier than I ever could.
I am involved in the BDSM lifestyle, and have been for almost a decade now. I cannot tell you the trust and love that comes from such blatantly honest relationships. I jumped into the proverbial pool head first and was burned many times. I have worn the leather of people that I love dearly, and have heartbrokenly returned it.
I have recently been accused of telling people that my father raped me; the hurt that came from that was intolerable, as I am sure it was for him if he believed any of it. I love my father, and would not ever spit venom about him. I have made him very angry in the past and most recently the present. When I was told that my father was incredibly angry over our choice of going no contact, and that his health was deteriorating because of me, I became scare of him and what I could do to someone I loved. So, I handled it in the way I had been taught to do my entire life: back off and do not talk. I reached out to my biological mother to advise her that we need to be seen by a licensed professional over the wicked things that she had been spread, but she rejected the notion.
I have caused havoc amongst those I hold so dear, and the ones that know me are still around. They know who I am at my core, and that all my transgressions are simply just who I am and nothing more. That if I hurt someone, it is never intentional.
For this I repent.
Thank you as always to Jenn Bovee.
Light up the Darkness,