I have repented, and now I am going through some sort of transition. It all started with the words: ‘I’m not in love with you,’.
I realized when these words were spoken that I had been censoring myself, denying myself, and shaming myself for someone who did not deserve me. It broke me quite honestly, and I had a rough week of getting over it. However, I feel renewed. I chopped off my hair in symbolism of transition, and made my undercut larger in the distinction of mourning and growth. Now I know what it feels like to be free after six years.
I spent six years being someone’s secret, and the shame that comes from that is sharp and distinct. It was like being poked by a hot poker any time the other person would not invite us to their holiday parties. It was a slice out of me when I was called a whore. It was a piece of dignity taken from me when I had to hear about how I was a deviant for letting people put marks on me and I on them.
I am a powerful woman, and I do not know why I took it so long. It was like being donkey punched for six years! Do not get me wrong, there were good times; yet, the tough times outweighed the good.
It is just like everyone said it was. Everyone told me it was no good, and I kept going back like a sick druggie needing their fix. After introspection, I believe it was the cycle of abuse I had grown so accustomed to. I was so trained to beg for another person’s attention to get their love, and here I was doing it all over again.
You know what I say to that? Fuck it. I do not want to live in that space, and I refuse to do so. As stubborn as I am, I will follow through with these words. No more reading into things, no more hiding, no more censoring, and no more self-shaming.
I have been off track with work and my workout routines. As a person with post-traumatic stress disorder, working out is the best way to stay sane. I have made the intention to go to the gym five times a week, and if I miss a day to do yoga at home through Gaia. If you have not checked out Gaia, please do as it is worth it.
I am going through withdraw from a chemical placed in my body that made me suicidal (go figure), and still have moments of impulsivity due to it. The psychiatrist states this will pass in three weeks. That means the worse of it will be coming this week, but my fabulous sister is going to be coming over (a four-hour drive) to stay with me for a week. I could not be happier in this.
This life is the only life we get to live, even if you are spiritual person and believe you are going to heaven or hell or whatever. This life, this one that you are living right now, is the only one you get to live. Live it.
Thank you as always to Jenn Bovee.
Light up the Darkness,