Real Fast

I, seriously, hate having post-traumatic stress disorder at times. At other times, it is amazing! I can plan and be amazing and go with great force/momentum/speed/quality/no glitch in the brain. Other times I cannot seem to keep focused on one thing at a time. I will go from 0-100 miles per hour real quick. I never understand what the different triggers are for but sometimes I notice it is tied to the father of my oldest child and my family (blood and tribal).

I am currently going through one of those times where nothing and everything is making sense but coming in fragmented. I have to be careful about who I communicate with and how I communicate. I am not an angry person, not even during times of stress. I turn anger inwards. It’s my fault my son is fucked up because I did not try hard enough to keep him away from his biological father unsupervised. It is my fault that my youngest has autism because I had too much cortisol (stress inducing hormone) when I was pregnant with him. It is my fault that I had a miscarriage because I was too stressed out. It is my fault that bad things happened in my family. It is my fault that my body is out of whack. It is my fault I am on so many medicines. It is my fault that I will receive a stress migraine tonight.

It takes a lot for me to get to this point. It is never one thing that leads to this separation of mind and body and spirit. It is always a small item, action, verbalization that can set me into this after awhile of being in a hypervigilant state. I become paranoid, hateful, lazy, self-loathing. Does this make me crazy? I ask myself all the time if today will be the day that I finally lose my marbles and watch them crash and scatter to the floor making an impressive visual with colors and glass on the tile. Is that what losing your marbles looks like? Is losing your mind not understanding the reality of life that not everyone is a person that is out to help others…maybe it is a tiny tingle in the back of the brain.

My sister has breast cancer. There, I said it, stage 2 ductal carcinoma. She will have both breasts removed and have reconstruction done with ports to place poison in to kill the cancer but save her life. What choice does one really have? Poison or life? She lives so far away…and yet I am still right here. Maybe the pain is the only thing that is real…try to kill it all away…. but I remember everything…. what have I become….my sweetest friend…everyone I know goes away in the end (Johnny Cash). When she told me about the the cancer I was on step twenty already planning on what to do BUT it is not my life. I cannot make decisions for anyone, I cannot tell anyone what to do, I can only be here to provide support and surrender to the mentality of knowing that she will be going through this without this weird clan we have formed in physical formation. Me making broth soup and taking care of the kids while she whines she is bored and wants to go shopping and me yelling that she can’t go shopping. All because fate has cruelly separated us physically, this clan of sorts.

My nephew is going through some shit. Wicked heavy shit that I wish he would let me in and talk to him. I just want him to know that I have been there and I understand. I get it, I’ve been desperate to the point of “I’m not here, this isn’t happening” (Radio Head).  That faint mental odor of self-injury that always tugs at the hearts and souls (if you believe in that) for those that have self-injured before. That feeling of hurting to focus on physical pain instead of the mental pain on your plate. Bro, I’ve been there, talk to me. However, I’m a 32-year-old overweight hippie aunt and best friends with his mom. Why would he want to talk to me? His brain is so amazing. I have watched his music and embarrassed him at his gigs and if I had watched him leave before me and his mother … see my brain is 0-100. It would have taken the wrong timing and a person not finding him to remove him from a dangerous situation and he’d be gone.

It is my brain, it stores all this information for such a long period of time and then when I am not able to function through it in powerhouse mode it shuts down. It starts making things up. Lists that need to be done right away. How do I fix all of this, the whole of humanity (including those that do not like me and I don’t like them but I love them) for the rest of their lives to make it easier?

Make lists, buy a calendar, buy folders, make plans on how to tackle an issue in front of me. Yet, it puts me back into my Domme space. I need that “control” or power exchange to find myself settled and ready for the world. You can pick that apart psychologically and understand it. Maybe play the bottom so I can fully let it go. And yet, with all of this, I shrink into a shell because I feel as though I cannot talk to anyone. Obviously, no one else would understand…which is ridiculous.

I think my brain is dead. I’m going to listen to music the rest of the night and try not to think much about the surroundings.

One last thing…If you are that huge of a DICKHEAD to take a couch from someone you “loved” knowing she was going to have hard surgery and recovery ahead of her, you can suck my strap-on fuckwad.

Light up the Darkness,

Lotus

 

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I Stick by My Boundaries

Some, or most, of us have all been there for someone. We have continued to love and support them in times of struggle and continue. Hell, we might even try and lighten that person’s load with everything they are going through. Yet, we can be met with hatred when one perceived the wrong move is made. Then, we are subjected to the cruelty of psychological projection. Projection is a defense mechanism some people use as a defense to cope with their own extreme emotions; involving projecting the hated emotions onto another person rather than taking responsibility for their own actions that have left them with the self-hatred.

Projection hurts the person that is projecting and the person they are projecting on. The person that is projecting, you must understand, does not know or lacks the acquired skills of coping for their own self-hatred. It hurts the person they are projecting on because it leaves them feeling hurt, confused, or even triggered. So, let me tell a story.

I am in an open marriage and find that honesty/communication is key within this. When I hear of significant others lying to each other to have affairs I do not understand. Life is much easier if you are honest about your needs and wants in this life. The one person you should not feel the need to lie to is your significant other.

I had a friend that started to have an affair. I asked them to talk to their partner about it because lying about it is only detrimental to the mind in my own biased view. They did not want to and I still listened to them. I helped them when they asked, I validated feelings, I kept them in my meditations of peace every day. In short, we are not all perfect but I was trying my best not to judge them and keep my boundaries up against this.

The time came where I asked if I could take their child to the pool as our sons are awesome friends. They said that was fine but if I could take the child a little longer. I asked why and they told me that they were hoping to see their secret lover. That is where I draw a boundary; I will not be a part of a lie or their lies to their partner. I can not fathom the pressure it would put on me as I see both of the people often and said I could not. After I said I could not the person said that they forgot they had family dinner that night; which means they could not go to the pool. Okay, bummer, but I totally get that. Life happens and family ALWAYS comes first in my book.

After all of this conversation, the person told me that things had changed because their lover had left their partner. I went to the partner’s Facebook page and found that they were still together. I advised my friend of this and they said that they were completely stressed out and their brain was garbled. I knew the feeling of being garbled and how it affects one’s brain.

While all this is happening to her, I am helping a person go through a rape. I have talked to her every day for about two weeks now and trying to help them. It had become a political debate as to what a person should do in the position of rape and why rape victims do not come forward. I am also in inactive withdrawal from gabapentin. Needless to say, I was reaching my breaking point as well and understood the stress part.

To make it easier on this person for making plans this weekend, I sent a message to their partner, one of a few messages I have sent to their partner, asking what they were doing on Saturday and if they wanted to go swimming. I shortly received an instant message from my friend accusing me of trying to out them to their partner, as far as their affair, because they said their son could not go swimming. HOLY CRAP! I was so confused, I had no idea what to do with that. It led to a triggering point and it hurt deeply. I did not know what to do.

With everything going on in my personal life and then with that and with all the accusations I have faced in the past two weeks I put up a Public Service Announcement on my page, again I say: my page, stating it hurts to be accused of something I had never done. This led to the person I have loved and attempted to protect to block me on everything and start gaslighting me to others.

This is not new to me. I have been the person that has been in this before. The middle of a guilty conscious and the projection of hatred of another person. It just touched a nerve.

So, if you find yourself in a place you do not want to be in: you can leave. You show compassion to yourself. You take notice that what is happening is not necessarily because of you. Let the person have their space. You have now seen how much that person values you. So, let them be. Continue to think fondly of them, wish nothing my happiness and freedom and peace for them; however, stay clear of them.

Light up the Darkness,

TheLotus

Music saves

I grew up in a butcher shop; a real butcher shop that my paternal grandparents owned and my father worked at. I remember the back room so vividly where all the processing was done. Most of all I remember the laughter listening big band music like Glenn Miller and diving head first into my grandfather wanting to dance on his feet. We swayed and laughed and had an amazing time. I remember the basement of the shop being the scariest thing I had ever seen, but it was the only place where the restroom was. It was so dark down there.

I remember my maternal grandmother’s love for the big band music that she eventually died to listening in hospice. I remember the time that I went to a wedding and her and I took the dance floor for a spin. My music levels have always been diverse though because of my daddy.

We lived in a house when I was young that he and my maternal grandfather built, and funny enough my husband and myself almost bought. My father had this giant music player that was equipped with a record player for the vinyl, an eight-track, cassette player, and an AM/FM radio. We would listen to Red Red Wine while I stood on his feet and danced (it’s the one thing that helps me forget).

I remember living in California with my ex-husband and going to my best friend’s house to hang out. We would listen to Marley over and over, Stir it up in particular, while we just danced around the house and cleaned. That was what military wives did, we stayed at home and cleaned.

I remember being introduced to Sabbath, Zeppelin, Janis, Jimmy, Jim, Marley, and all of the greats. I mean the greats of the time. Then I was introduced to different types of music. Scream metal, death metal, electro, and some of the newest forms of music that I am not sure even have a name. One of my favorites is “pray” by Terror Jr. My sister sent it to me saying me it reminded her of me. You see, when people ask you to listen to music, they want you to listen to the lyrics. “Deep in the shadows, that’s where I live, I can be your daddy, preach for daddy, pray for the pussy, whip me like a caddy”. How funny, but it makes sense…”A long way from God, but we can still pray here”.

I am going through a withdrawal of Xanax right now, the worst symptom being the insomnia and this constant ringing in the center of my head. I could not sleep so I came downstairs to listen to music and now I am in a better mood. Is that not the way that it typically works if you find the right kind of music you identify with?

I think that is the place where I began to understand that music soothes you in a way that nothing else can. When you are having a horrible day or night what do you turn to in order to amplify the mood that you’re currently in? I mean, I know that I have PTSD and some memories are burned into me. I would rather remember the beautiful times that I had with music than the ones that remind me of the terrible things. Sometimes the horrible lyrics can remind me of a situation but I never let that stop me.

You’re having a bad day? Get in your car, or room, and blast your music. It is called distraction when you are having a particularly hard time. Case in point: my oldest son was having horrible anxiety after my grandmother passed away. He was screaming and posturing, he could not stop crying. I threw him in the car, let him sit in the front seat, and blared his favorite rap songs. Bass turned all the way up. I must admit that this had two reasons…I was afraid I would need to take him to the hospital if I could not get him to calm down…we listened to Blackbear on repeat and drove around until 12:00 a.m. He calmed down and fell asleep in the car.

Play some music and lighten your load.

Thank you as always to Jenn Bovee.

Light up the Darkness,

TheLotus

SAD

I am always so tired during the winter months and there seems to be little remedy for it. My depression peaks at this time of the year, as it does with several others. Seasonal Affected Disorder. Four to six percent of people may have winter depression or ten to 20 percent have mild Seasonal Affected Disorder (“Seasonal Affected Disorder”, 2000).

What I am trying to get at is that you are not alone if you feeling this depression. You may be tired, gaining weight, feeling alone, feeling overly sexual, feeling no sexual want, wanting sweet or even salty food. It is a constant struggle for me to continue to get out of the house and continue.

I do have tricks up my sleeve though that may be able to help you! I know that sunlamps may be expensive, but I can tell you that it is all worth it. Even just fifteen minutes a day can help you wake up in the morning. The feeling to want to rely on caffeine is undoubtedly a thought for many people during this time but it can also make the problem worse (at least it does for me). I notice if I intake too much caffeine through coffee that I become tired and sluggish. Slowly fading away into a nap for reasons unknown to me; until I started doing some research on a brain chemical called adenosine. This chemical and the transmitters is the reason behind being sleepy. Coffee makes you urinate, and when you urinate your blood thickens; when your blood thickens, there is a little less oxygen in your brain to help it to keep functioning (Scott, 2016). Doctors at the Mayo Clinic suggest to only consume 2-4 cups of caffeinated drinks. This includes soda, and to limit your sugar intake.

How does one take care of their oxygen levels though? Water, exercise, and mindfulness. The more cardiovascular exercise you can do the better. Although yoga is an amazing attribute to add to your daily journey, perhaps adding in a vinyasa yoga practice would help to raise the blood levels to your brain. Exercise frees the blood to flow more energetically to the brain.

Look, I know it is hard. Believe me, I know how hard it is to get motivated when you’re already in a slump, but if you start to make a routine you would be amazed at what you can do. Do not make it a resolution either, make it a lifestyle. I know that in the past years I have found that my SAD has grown to progressively rising levels, but I also notice the more I do (the more active I am in my lifestyle) the better I end up feeling towards the end of the day.

Today I had three cups of coffee and crashed hard and had very little water to follow it up with. My dietary needs were also not met. I am a vegan and need to ensure that my protein levels are high, but I did not do that today. Instead I fell asleep and woke up feeling like shit. So, tomorrow I intend on following my daily routine over again.

Thanks as always to Jenn Bovee.

Light up the Darkness,

TheLotus

References:

Scott. (2016, April 16). Why does coffee make me sleepy?. Driftaway Coffee. Retrieved from https://driftaway.coffee/coffee-make-sleepy/

Seasonal Affected Disorder. (2000, March 1). American Family Physician. Retrieved from https://www.aafp.org/afp/2000/0301/p1531.html

I’m fine, the most often used lie.

So, what’s happening? What’s going on? Are you okay?

I have heard these questions for a while now, and I am getting more accustomed to them. I wish there was an easy answer to give to everyone. Trauma and my post-traumatic stress disorder make it difficult for me to cognitively put everything into place where it needs to go on a time line. I will attempt to address it.

I had been fainting, and honestly believed I was dying there a couple months back. My doctors finally hooked me up to a month-long heart monitor (portable EKG, or “event monitor”). Essentially, I was wearing two long cords that attached to a device that tracked my heart’s every move.

We all know that my grammy passed away. I was there for her death, but the shit that gets me is that I wanted to go see her and didn’t. I didn’t because I did not want her to see the heart monitor and become upset or disturbed. Looking back at it now, she probably wouldn’t have cared. My oldest wanted to get her Calvin and Hobbs comic book for her, and couldn’t wait to present it to her. Well, the heart monitor came off, and I couldn’t get that visit. You know the one, the infamous “one last time,”. I never got it, but you better be damn sure that Calvin and Hobbs comic book is buried with her. It was hard to see the once matriarch of a family dead, her mouth open and resting on the pillow. The nurses kept checking her vitals and damn it I kept expecting them to say ‘OH! We have a heartbeat!’, that never came. The woman I love so dear is gone, and I will carry that pain and the visage of her face in death with me.

As it turns out the heart monitor did find a weird defect or whatever called inappropriate sinus tachycardia. Apparently, my heart was beating rapidly (over 100 BPM) and having an arrhythmia even while sleeping. It is genetic and needs to be treated with a beta blocker. So, my first impression was great another medication to be on.

This all happened when I was on the medication of Abilify, which did not go so well. I had no impulse control, and went outside of my boundaries and slept with my ex-boyfriend. Funny how the universe works sometimes, but it turns out my strings or the mirena was a bit dislodged. So, lucky me, I became pregnant. Although I was frightened, I told my ex-boyfriend what was happening. He said he was scared too but would be there for me no matter what. Okay, good, because that is what he needed to do. I told him that while I was in the first trimester that neither of us should be dating so I did not become stressed out. He said he agreed. I tried everything to become pregnant last year, but the stars were not aligning. Jokes on me, almost every conceived child on a mirena will end in miscarriage as it turns out. The baby, or zygote, or fetus, came pouring out of me in a gush of blood. I bled for a long time. I had not had a period since I had the birth control placed so it was interesting. I told my ex-boyfriend and this person told me it was relief because he wanted to start dating and finding his white picket fence. I found out he had been lying all seven years of our relationship. I am forced to see one of lies every day at work. Every time I see that lie (a person) I relive the moment the child was expelled from my body and how relieved he was. I went through the pain myself.

So, heart condition, grandma dying, miscarriage, and being told to fuck off by a person whom I had carried and a lost a child to…I can handle this right? I’m fucking wonder woman of mental illness, and do not let it define me.

Back to the beta blockers. Due to the beta blockers I am able to come off the benzodiazepines one milligram at a time. This is wonderful news for me. I hate taking medicine, and knocking it down to maybe two well that sounds amazing. Then it happened.

I became increasingly tired, and could not get up out of bed. The doctors decided to do a two milligram drop of my Xanax this time (I had been on 8 mg for over a year). Biggest mistake I have ever made. The physical pain that you go through is rough, but that’s just puking and shakes and not feeling good. You know it won’t last though so you just keep pushing on and putting up the good fight. The symptoms fade after two weeks. Ha.

I was still increasingly tired when they removed me from the two milligrams of Xanax, and my depression has become extreme. Extreme enough for me to hate myself. All the wrong things I have done, even if it was a deserving reaction. Everything about myself I have started to hate. I cannot go on living like this. Off to the psychiatrist we went. She was confounded because when you lower a medicine the anxiety increases and you are more awake. Well, not with me. It caused something physiologically to happen with my PTSD. Everything that I have just stated above and more started roaming my head day in and day out…still is. I do not want it to be there, but there it lingers.

They had to put me back on the two milligrams to get me back up to six milligrams a day of Xanax to have a baseline of what is happening. Yay, more medicine…more medicine cocktail. Then they plan to remove me slowly, half a milligram at a time. They wanted me to go to a hospital that specializes in trauma and ptsd. Well, the program is thirty to forty-five days long. Guess who has two kids, and animals to look after? Me. I do not have time for that.

That is what is going on, that is what is wrong. I am trapped in my own head. Filled with shame and the what ifs. I am there, in the dark. After I realized that there was nothing but the dark, I was able to say fuck it. I’m going to go to work physically tomorrow (I have been working from home) and suffer through it. That’s what I do, suffer in silence, fake a smile, say I’m fine, just wishing someone could see me drowning in my life water.

Off to sleep for me.

Light up the Darkness.

TheLotus