I cannot do it anymore. I do not know how else to put it. I have been so lost, and have nowhere to turn. I should be happy ya know? I should be exhilarated with my life. I have two wonderful children, and a husband that really cares for me. I work for a company that has helped me so much in the regards of mental health it baffles me sometimes. Yet, I’ve been bombarded with a plethora of shit in the past few months, and I believe that I am just going to unload because we all need to do that sometimes.
My youngest son was diagnosed with autism almost a year ago. It does not make him a different child, but being as active as we are in our children’s life the amount of therapy is insane. We have been lucky enough to be taken on by a university here to help him with speech and talking to his peers. It has relieved a lot of pressure knowing we are doing all we can, but knowing what his meltdowns are like I cannot help but feel overwhelmed. A meltdown in autism is essentially a panic attack from cognitive overload. As a person living with an anxiety disorder, and a parent, you never want your children to face the same heartaches that you yourself have had to endure. Yet, here we are. I believe that every parent with a child on spectrum somehow blames themselves. There is no formal way to say what causes autism, but there are speculations that it may have something to do with the cortisol levels while the child is in utero. Well, I had plenty of cortisol while I was pregnant with little man and it haunts me.
I finally said goodbye to my parents. I know it was for the best for all of us, but I cannot express how much I miss my father. I am starting to rebuild a relationship with my younger sister, but that will take a long time and patience. My older sister and I are talking, and she keeps checking in on me to see if I am doing okay with everything going on. I appreciate the effort.
My sister mom lives in four hours away. I believe it is cruel for us to be so far from each other. I honestly did not know it was possible to miss someone so much that was brought into my life through my ex-husband. She came to help me for a while when the psychiatrist took me off meds. She sat there and taught me how to be vegan, something that I have wanted for a long time and something I never thought I would be doing after being raised in a butcher shop. She let me be myself, and slowly encouraged me to drive with her and to go out into public again.
I have the best therapist in the world. I can contact her at any time and talk about anything I need to, but I am feeling ashamed of how depressed I feel lately. I know she would not judge me…she’s Jenn “no judgement woman”; yet, I cannot bring myself to make an appointment to actually speak about everything going on in my brain.
I have three best friends that I could reach out to, but I do not want to bother them. I have only told one about the amount of depression I am going through. The insomnia, the fainting, the mental fatigue. I do not know why I have not told everyone. It is not something to be ashamed of.
My oldest son is having one of the hardest times in his life and is set up with a cognitive therapist, child psychologist, guidance counselor, and a psychoanalytic psychologist in November. I have a very hard time not going through the phone and smacking him for everything he is doing to our son.
My husband is amazingly supportive. I could not ask for a better partner.
What led to this? I was diagnosed with a heart condition, the same as my father. They started to treat my heart condition, which has allowed me to come of the copious amounts of benzodiazepines I am on. As it turns out, when you are on these meds for so long and at the amounts I was on, the symptoms of withdrawal are intense. One of the symptoms is severe depression. Your brain has to readjust to supplying your body with dopamine. I am waiting for that day.
Until then, I am just trying to go moment by moment.
Thank you as always to Jenn Bovee.
Light up the Darkness,