Some, or most, of us have all been there for someone. We have continued to love and support them in times of struggle and continue. Hell, we might even try and lighten that person’s load with everything they are going through. Yet, we can be met with hatred when one perceived the wrong move is made. Then, we are subjected to the cruelty of psychological projection. Projection is a defense mechanism some people use as a defense to cope with their own extreme emotions; involving projecting the hated emotions onto another person rather than taking responsibility for their own actions that have left them with the self-hatred.
Projection hurts the person that is projecting and the person they are projecting on. The person that is projecting, you must understand, does not know or lacks the acquired skills of coping for their own self-hatred. It hurts the person they are projecting on because it leaves them feeling hurt, confused, or even triggered. So, let me tell a story.
I am in an open marriage and find that honesty/communication is key within this. When I hear of significant others lying to each other to have affairs I do not understand. Life is much easier if you are honest about your needs and wants in this life. The one person you should not feel the need to lie to is your significant other.
I had a friend that started to have an affair. I asked them to talk to their partner about it because lying about it is only detrimental to the mind in my own biased view. They did not want to and I still listened to them. I helped them when they asked, I validated feelings, I kept them in my meditations of peace every day. In short, we are not all perfect but I was trying my best not to judge them and keep my boundaries up against this.
The time came where I asked if I could take their child to the pool as our sons are awesome friends. They said that was fine but if I could take the child a little longer. I asked why and they told me that they were hoping to see their secret lover. That is where I draw a boundary; I will not be a part of a lie or their lies to their partner. I can not fathom the pressure it would put on me as I see both of the people often and said I could not. After I said I could not the person said that they forgot they had family dinner that night; which means they could not go to the pool. Okay, bummer, but I totally get that. Life happens and family ALWAYS comes first in my book.
After all of this conversation, the person told me that things had changed because their lover had left their partner. I went to the partner’s Facebook page and found that they were still together. I advised my friend of this and they said that they were completely stressed out and their brain was garbled. I knew the feeling of being garbled and how it affects one’s brain.
While all this is happening to her, I am helping a person go through a rape. I have talked to her every day for about two weeks now and trying to help them. It had become a political debate as to what a person should do in the position of rape and why rape victims do not come forward. I am also in inactive withdrawal from gabapentin. Needless to say, I was reaching my breaking point as well and understood the stress part.
To make it easier on this person for making plans this weekend, I sent a message to their partner, one of a few messages I have sent to their partner, asking what they were doing on Saturday and if they wanted to go swimming. I shortly received an instant message from my friend accusing me of trying to out them to their partner, as far as their affair, because they said their son could not go swimming. HOLY CRAP! I was so confused, I had no idea what to do with that. It led to a triggering point and it hurt deeply. I did not know what to do.
With everything going on in my personal life and then with that and with all the accusations I have faced in the past two weeks I put up a Public Service Announcement on my page, again I say: my page, stating it hurts to be accused of something I had never done. This led to the person I have loved and attempted to protect to block me on everything and start gaslighting me to others.
This is not new to me. I have been the person that has been in this before. The middle of a guilty conscious and the projection of hatred of another person. It just touched a nerve.
So, if you find yourself in a place you do not want to be in: you can leave. You show compassion to yourself. You take notice that what is happening is not necessarily because of you. Let the person have their space. You have now seen how much that person values you. So, let them be. Continue to think fondly of them, wish nothing my happiness and freedom and peace for them; however, stay clear of them.
Light up the Darkness,