This was not taken lightly

My decisions were not taken lightly. I have been subjugated to emotional abuse for so long that I do not remember a time I was not being abused by one or several family members. I have to remind myself of this daily as I continue down my road of self-healing. I have to keep reading the text messages and emails over and over again to remember why I have chosen to go no contact.

My aunt brought up a very good point, Facebook is an open mic, so is WordPress, to those you may not want in your life. Privacy settings are not always the same, and there are always ways around the blocking; for example, many people have a sock puppet account they use if they have been blocked to see what a person is saying about them.

I recently contacted my aunt and cousin to see if they were discussing me with my family. My aunt brought up a good point: ‘if someone asked me how everything is going with you and the boys I will tell them what I have observed,’ and I do not fault her for that.

I just need to get things out of me, emotionally; consider it word vomit:

• I was in the developmental age of concrete belief in my frontal lobe when trauma was introduced into my life; thus, sparking off a huge problem with heredity towards depression. I blamed everything on me, and at times my family did as well.
• I was a burden to the family, and at times still am, because I am an emotional creature. I tend to speak what is on my mind and it often gets me into some variation of trouble
• My mother told me and others that my husband was sexually abusing my child because he offered to change a diaper for me while I was doing something else
• My mother told other people that my husband was a cocaine dealer, and got me hooked on drugs because I was losing so much weight. What was actually happening? I was breastfeeding, and going through a stressful divorce.
• My father saw the emotionl abuse, admitted to knowing about it, and that he continued to allow it to happen.
• During a flashback, I contacted my dad and received a horribly verbal abusive message from him
• As a child, I was often sought out to be the scapegoat for problems in the family when I was actually a trauma victim and needed help. The discharge paperwork stated this, and yet the follow through was never done.
• I was a difficult child, but I am no longer a child and should not be treated as such. One cannot bring something up from my distant past and say “hey, you did this years ago and that is who you still are”. No, my dear one, that is who you need me to be so you do not look like a jackass.
• Going no contact with my family was not an easy position to take. I simply could not handle it anymore. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I told my mom I never had these horrible things that she told me I did. I was met with hatred and opposition. That is when I knew it was time to stop talking to her.
• I am aware that going no contact with my mother means that I go no contact with a lot of people in my family, that is fine, as long as I come out healthier on the other side it is good.

One trick I have learned to find out if a person is a narcissist is to ask them ‘what do you need to grow or change about yourself?’. My answer is that I need to grow on keeping up healthy boundaries, continue in college to reach my degree, and to realize that I need to stop seeing the PTSD label and to see the able. I need to change how I react to certain stimuli and stop caring what others think of me, I need to be even more compassionate with others, I need to be compassionate to myself, I need to change my coping methods with triggers, and I need to choose who I let into my life better. A true narcissist would have had a problem answering these questions as it is pertaining to their own personal growth, and they are the victims so why should they change; it should be the others around them that change not them.

I do not deny that I was a difficult child, but I will insist that I am no longer a child. One cannot even compare me to the person I was a year ago, because I have completely changed since then. I am my past in the way that it has shaped me, but I am not my past.

 

Thank you as always to Jenn Bovee.

Light up the Darkness,

TheLotus